Whatever happens, I will be okay. :)
Life works in the most mysterious yet soulful ways once you start to fully love yourself inside out. When you drop your ego, release all things expected and accept the good and bad, everything becomes something magical. The amount of growth that is achieved is something else, I look back at my life 5 years ago and am in awe of where and who I have become. & it has all happened because of love, being brave to take that step to truly love myself above all. So many years I have been stuck trying to prove myself to others, make them love me and search for that acceptance when it was all right here, in my heart.
I was never one to believe love at first site, I still don’t because I think love has to be earned and shown. Lust is a huge factor that gets mixed up with love. I will tell you that timing is everything though.
Month after month constantly getting asked "so when will you find someone or date someone, you are only getting older". The difference between myself and the people who ask that is confidence, self love and taking the time to accept/become who I am. Sometimes people feel shame, embarrassment and why not me, I will admit that was me years ago until I started to dive into what I truly wanted. Now anyone can say whatever and I will always be okay. :) Society, media, people, family, friends, significant others and strangers have way to much impact on us that many people never become who they truly are. I’ve witnessed so much of this with people in my life, as well as have gotten brought down by it too until I laid my foot down. Ain’t no one will have that power over me, I don’t care what you have, I’m doing me and bettering me.
Now this is what you get to learn when you take the time to dive into yourself. I found out that earlier on, I thought something was wrong with me because of those questions. Everyone around me was settling down and so forth. Then I became too picky and all about myself and what I deserve. Yes two opposite extremes can happen and they did. Then I worked myself out to have a balance of knowing what I want but one specific thing wouldn’t derail me from starting something like it did before. All these stages progressed within 5 years, I have finally figured things out because I took that time, that effort and work to find me and be completely me.
I can fully state that I have never been in love with another human of opposite gender, and that is okay. In the beginning stages of life, I'd always think something's wrong with me, why I couldn't find someone to fall in love with, especially on the countless meet and greets that have happened. I swear I've meet like 80 guys in the last 5 years, yet no one really sparked my soul/connection except one BUT it just wasn't the right time. I had growing and issues that needed to be worked on, aka officially loving myself instead of looking for it elsewhere. In the last 5 years the universe has brought us together 2 times after 3 years of doing our own thing, no communication and growing. Now the second time things were different, better compared to where we left off, and nothing crazy happened for us to move away from eachother. A lot of us would had a huge ego and refuse to even speak to that person again because things at that time just didn't work out, even if you wanted them to.
Let’s rewind back to 5 years ago, it was probably my 6th or 7th meet in greet from online dating. Conversation was great, connection was there yet I waited and waited on him to go on a real date. Before we ever went on a real date, we were just friends with benefits but I got sick of that and wanted something more. 7 months later we went on the WORST date of life, couldn’t wait to leave and once I did it was SAYONARA. ( It was bad because he worked 24/7 and had no life)I waited that long because there has always been something about him but yet I moved into a stage where I was better than waiting. The next 3 years here and there always wondered what he was up to from time to time. Back on the online dating seen and decided to download bumble and BOOM guess who appears, HIM. Except he had a different name so I swiped on curiosity and he swiped me so we were connected. On bumble ladies message first so YOLO, can’t hurt so why not. I asked if he had a brother named “his name” because he looked familiar and he replies ITS ME. We start chatting, I notice he has pictures from traveling and so forth. He asks me if I want to go out for coffee, I say yes because i see that he actually has a life so maybe it will be good/different this time. I was right, now previous me would of been like hell no, he probably hasn’t changed but I gave it another go because I was different, I grew as well as a person. We hung out a few times and it was different, a good different. Then we fell off again from both our sides, I didn’t message him and he didn’t message me. The odd time still wondered what he was up too or what happened yet just too stubborn to message first or get down to the nitty gritty! Fast forward 7 months, the end of July a thing pops up on Facebook about contamination of these hungry man dishes. He always ate them at work 5 years ago while working 24/7. So I contemplated to screenshot it and send it to him. I had deleted his contact in my phone because i was over it but subconsciously NOT. I still had his number in my WhatsApp so I have grown some more and now officially know what I want and who I am. Photo SENT. Nothing to lose at this point and a potential gain. Once again we started chatting and made a date to hang out, since then things have been WAY better, it's like each time we have reconnected, the both of us have grown individually that it has made the connection that much better.
Now nothing is official and its far from a happily ever after but it's a start to something I believe. Whoever knows me, I am VERY independent and don't need a man to complete me, to save me or support me money wise, I want someone to compliment my life and enjoy it together. We don't text all the time, we don't see each other all time which I like BUT I am also not waiting for ever to do either. So I had a leap of faith and did something bold, something I would never do in the past because I like to go with the flow but this time I am being straight up of what I want. I told him that since we reconnected, things have been really good and not like anything happened to us, we just fall off here and there. I mentioned that I am looking to eventually settle down, no rush but wanting to head in that direction but I don't know where your head is at. I can see that being with you. BOLD. He then responded later that night agreeing and that he didn't like that we lost contact for so long and that I am really awesome. (WELL DUH) HA HA
FINALLY a breath of fresh air because I or we have always never known what each other wanted and voiced it. Either way I would of been fine if he agreed or not because I love my life alone, I support myself and love myself so much that I'm good. I jumped out of my comfort zone and am excited to start this journey of wherever it will end up. I have no idea on the future but I am here to put in the effort, the time and energy to hopefully have something great. As I have mentioned earlier timing was everything and being open to change. I know a lot of people would of just moved on and not to say I didn't, he was just always in the back of my mind and I have yet to meet someone that I had that connection with on the first meet and greet. Side note : going on like 70 meet greets is insanely exhausting not to connect with someone yet on that level. At the end of the day it may work out, it may not but I took that leap and am finally letting loose on all those damn expectations on how things should be. I am far from LOVE but I see potential and LOVE takes work, patience, communication, give and take,trust, and balance. I am here to stay and see where it goes but I am also not the one to stay if things aren't working. I will get out because I am okay with who I am right now, forever and ever. No one will ever make me happy because I am happy, no one will ever love me because I already love myself, no one will ever do or be anything to me to make my life better because that comes within. Now when you read this, you are probably like this chick has BALLS but it's the truth, whoever is waiting for someone to complete, save, love them is doing things for the wrong reasons. You have to do that for yourself and then you can fully join something that can be awesome and feel all those things together. Also nothing is ever sunshine and rainbows so expectations are the leading cause of failed anything. Wherever you are put in the work, fight for something yet know when it's time to give it a rest, you will be okay either way. :)