Saving, it's not worth your soul.

Saving people has been my religion for way too long but for all the wrong reasons and ways. I’m 29 years old with a gold heart that just wants to make the light in everyone’s life because I’ve been in darkness. I’ve felt the emotions, the depression and all out rock bottom in my own ways that I can relate. I’m also my own person and so different than every human out there but somethings can relate even being different circumstances. I have now realized in the last few months that I will never be able to save or make someone else happy because it just can’t happen, doesn’t matter how much they mean to you. It’s actually really sad for me because that’s all I want for the people in my life, better yet even strangers. Now the early stages of saving people in my life were of the reasons of getting them to appreciate and love me. I’d do anything for that kind of attention which is the worst because at the end of the day, no one will do what you are willing to do. So you are left feeling shittier because you have the idea of expectations. I then grew out of that and just did things out of the goodness of my heart and that itself internally made me feel good, without expectations. I felt 10 times better and life was good yet the people in my life would still be hurting or unhappy. Didn’t matter what I brought to their life because they were facing things that I couldn’t magically turn it into being okay.

& quite frankly I have been doing that for FAR too long that I will not hide behind lies, sugar coating and such to appease others. I am who I am to make the world a better place, starting with making me a better person than I was yesterday. If you have me in your life, you know that I’d do backflips, go out of my way to do the little things to make a positive. I absolutely love that about myself because I know hands down that no one will ever do what I do. At the same point I have come to the realization that I am not here to make you happy, save you or change your life because that’s up to you. I do know that I can have impact in that but I don’t hold it close to my heart knowing that I WILL do that because I can’t, even though deep down I wish I could. It’s very liberating because I’m very empathetic and maybe you are too but we don’t have to let others affect us that way. It’s a long time coming because I used to get sucked into a lot of bad energy even though I was producing the good kind. My heart, my soul are something else and I plan to keep them like that just without the idea of making people happy or saving them. Here on forward I plan on being the same old me just more aware of where my energy goes. Especially the energy that I choose to get from other people that would be hanging over me. I will still light up people’s lives in my own way but it will be up to them to take advantage of it or not. I’m not solely expecting that. Liberation at its best because the mind is a powerful being and can sell us out at any time, at any moment. The key is to fight back, have an internal conversation with yourself and figure out who you are, other than that, you are living someone else’s life. I have also learned that my best might not be for some people and that’s where I need to re-evaluate things on my part, I can’t just assume. Life is an ongoing learning curve that if you never take the time to learn and dive into yourself, you will never become who you really are. Also if you never truly listen to someone else, you will never truly get to know them, as well as yourself. Most people do not listen and just hear what you say but are already plotting what to say next in their mind that counters you. If you truly listen, you will have conversations that are never boring because the depth that you can know someone will be that much greater. Time and time again I come back to just doing/focusing on myself, what makes myself happy, that it makes such a difference in my emotional state. I feel this ultra-high, almost unstoppable then again the mind somehow interferes. Pulls me back into that realm I don’t want to be in. It’s like it’s great for so long then I just drop 10 ft but I catch myself before it’s too late, that’s enlightenment I think. The part where you catch yourself because you want to fight against it and conquer even though that strong force keeps kicking. We all go through some crazy horrible battles but are willing to stick your arms out and punch back? That is the ultimate difference between you and me, you and you or you and whomever. FIGHT, you are SO worth it. I know my worth, I know what I bring to the table so that’s on you, not me.