30 years alive and the most free I have ever felt inside out. I am me, of course I have always been me but I've let too many things get in the way of my true self and to finally get that at 30, its the best feeling in the world. A lot of people don't like to grow old but hell I am looking forward to every year onward!
I have always been different yet people would of never thought because I played such a front or facade. I've always been a tomboy, I rarely wore make up until I met a group of girlfriends in high school. I was super shy because I just didn't fit into to all of them or how to be a proper girl. I put up one hell of a show because people thought I was happy and comfortable with myself, yet that was far from the truth!! It's SOOO messed how people and society, even your god damn friends want you to be a certain way and if you shy away from that, how it knocks you on the ground and you try to be someone you are not!!! I look back and think WHY?! Sometimes I wish I was who I was now back then but hey then I wouldn't be who I am now, so thankful and grateful for all the shit I had to overcome because the Jan I am today is something that I will have for the rest of my life. Of course there is still a pull here and there to be someone else, just a small one but then I snap the F%$^ out of it, I am who I am and will not let anyone or thing tear me down or change that!! It wasn't until 2012 when I finally started to find myself and yes it took 7 years of fighting my inner demons and the outside world trying to make me something who I wasn't. Society is fucked nowadays, way more than it use to be so I feel sorry for children growing up. The battles I fought are 10 times worse now.
As you can see I have officially shaved part of my head, I started off small at first, fell in love with it and a month later here I am!! :) I've shown a few people pictures, some loved it and others ask why? Well I am here to tell you I don't give a flying F%$# what people have to say, especially if they don't like it, I am not here to please you, I've done that for too damn long in my life. I've wanted to do this back in high school and for the years till now but I always got shit like "oh you will look like a boy or that's not what girls do and so forth" and back then I didn't have the confidence and self love that I do now!! It literally stopped me from being who I really am and that fucking sucks because I know a LOT of people are living like that, someone else's life instead of their true self. Once you break down the walls, dig deep and become your true self, the feeling is something else BUT it takes years and lot's of work, so make sure you keep trucking away!!
I am the happiest I have ever been and it does not come down to material things, to having a significant other, to loads of money, having a fit looking body, physical features and for that matter anything outside of the inside of me. Think twice when you think something is going to make you happy when it comes from outside sources, because NO ONE or NO THING will ever make you truly happy or loved. Yes people and things can add to it but they can never make you truly happy, truly loved and truly yourself, the only thing that can is YOU, DIG DEEP. The freedom that comes out of all of this is something special and I wouldn't change all the hardships and struggles for anything because I am who I am with them.
The one thing that hasn't changed ever is my pure/gold heart, even with the amount of using, heart crashing shit that had happened to me, I did not let it kill my heart one bit!! I sure learned a lot and use that to guide who gets my heart, whether you are friend or family. My life, my soul and my heart are too precious to forever get trampled on, I am more aware of who I give it to. In all honestly, I am not saying this in a stuck up way but over the years I don't know anyone who hates me, anyone I meet can't help but love me. Especially strangers, who I meet for the first time, and that my friends is an amazing feeling because I am officially ME, all I want to do is spread love, kindness and the little things around the world and in my circle. If I am in your life, your life is better because of it, again that sounds stuck up but I put my WHOLE heart and soul into every god damn relationship/friendship I have so its justifiable to say, I have also heard from plenty of people, I'm a rare human. I also go out of my way anytime I can with the little things, even if it's my birthday, I'm always looking to make other peoples days. I LOVE TO BE DIFFERENT, and will forever shine that out to the world. Actions speak louder than words and I have done and felt that 10 fold, it really does make a difference!
30 never felt so damn good and can't wait to see what the future holds, all I know is I'm putting all the positive energy out into the world but remember it comes from YOU first.
BE KIND, SHOW LOVE AND BE YOU!!
Beauty, why do we let people and materials change our beauty?
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