Today I got ask the most valuable question that made me dive into where/who I was to where/who I am now. I am forever grateful for all the pain I encountered because the darkest of nights produce the brightest of stars when you put in the work. The amount of self reflection and inner growth is beyond what I could ever imagine because at the time it felt like never ending sinking. That question was when did life change for you, change for the better. Now that’s a deep question if you are willing to dive into it or you could just reply with surface stuff. I use to love surface talk because it was so easy to hide from all my demons that had control over me because no one wanted to know the depth. I have seen the wonders of digging into myself and others, surface talk to me is just not my cup of tea,I want to know and accept the real me and you. I dare you to dig, maybe you haven’t hit that change yet and that’s quite okay, the only way you ultimately hit it, is if you D I G into you, work on you and spread your wings from there.
The 3 of us best friends sitting at a table, been through a lot, yet we are still here like nothing had ever happened between us. Reminiscing about the good times, the bad times and reflecting how the bad all came about. Now very seldom people, friends and family ever knew what I was really going through because I was just so damn good at hiding it, even though it was slowly killing me inside. No one knew the real Janessa, the true form of the human I am until recently and now the whole world gets to experience me. & the honest truth is you really don’t know what is going on in another persons life, even the closest people to you. That’s when shit gets real, because you go on living this life that’s not yours. You go on living a life that revolves around so many different peoples emotions and troubles. & the craziest part is that I let it happen even though you think the highest of other people, I don't blame them at all for what I went through. No one can heal you or damage you because either way, you have that choice on what happens to you. Years and years pass by until a moment happens and all hell breaks loose in the greatest shittiest way possible. Such a damn oxymoron but can’t be explained any other way because while going through it, it’s shitty yet once the digging has been done, the magic happens.
Today one friend told me that seeing you go through that change was something else, it was like a switch where you officially became YOU. Another friend told me that I admire your strength, you are so damn strong. This made me smile from ear to ear and my heart just flutter because it was no easy thing or quick fix to get where I am today. & that’s the thing sometimes, when people meet me nowadays, my life is all about sunshine and rainbows because I am just so damn happy go lucky and have energy for positivity like no tomorrow. That doesn’t mean I don’t go through shit, I’ve just built such an interior that, that shit doesn’t affect me or I don’t let it. Or that I didn’t go through shit in the past, the shit in the past is what has made me who I am today, a strong happy confident female who wants to spread so much damn good in this world.
The year that changed my life for the better was 2012 after my last ACL surgery. Something in me was sick and tired of getting used by people I loved, of low self esteem and confidence, of being a back burner and being depressed. The thing is when I love the people in my life, I love hard and I will show you in so many acts but when people take advantage of that, that’s when it cuts deep. I had blinders on for so long that even people would tell me constantly, what are you doing!! But my logic or should I say my mind games thought we are best friends and they love me, well when people love you they don’t treat you like that or let you do the things you did. When love is controlling, that ain’t love my friends, that’s a god damn jail cell of happiness and hell. Those are the emotions that ran through my heart and head day in and day out, the good times were high and the rest I felt like a ball of crap, apologizing and crying. Take me back like I did something wrong, I was always wrong, inside it was like I couldn’t live without them. The world I live in now, I can live without a lot of people, especially the ones that create drama and problems, even if you are close.
Well at the time of my surgery I was at the end of my line and legit CUT everyone and was alone. That sounds sad but it was the most liberating feeling EVER because have you ever hung out with people and felt alone, yet I was alone and felt alive! I met so many other people that became real good friends, and that’s what we don’t know is that things come when you release and open yourself. To this day I know I will always find someone that has better intentions than people I have known all my life, and I still have people in my life that will forever be that. I am just not afraid to let people go that don't grow with me and make the world a better place. I'm done trying to be someone who I am not, that is when I ultimately changed for the better.
When people tell you, you have changed, that has to be the best damn compliment because you STOP doing the things that we’re expected before, for love. Today I told my one friend that moment when I let her go had nothing to do with her, it was all me! I was sick of all the shit around me that I just wanted a blank slate and that’s why it was so easy to rekindle and it’s like nothing ever happened. As much as my life has become better since they I still battle inside at times because I am a healer naturally but I just have to remind myself I can't make anything happen for someone else, even as much as I want to. I'm a empath as well but for the most part I have gotten a real good grasp on controlling it than I did before, and ultimately I think that was probably one downfall in my past. I had absolute no control over it and would just get sucked in deeper and deeper to other peoples stuff. You are not growing if life is perfect, so the more you post that side on social media or what not, STOP and reflect on yourself because it will not get any better and will be a even bigger let down internally. Wake up, know we all have flaws, we all have shit to work out internally and externally and OWN it, don't let it fall on the back burner!! YOU GOT THIS!! The best version on you will feel so right and you will know it, and remmeber shit always happens but when it does, you will be better prepared to fight it another way.
Beauty, why do we let people and materials change our beauty?
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