I’m probably the most energetic, happy go lucky individual you have ever met but I still fight demons too. I have conquered a lot of them to be where I am today and my personality, vibe, energy and soul that I have become. I think sometimes as much as it is a very good thing, it also has it side effects at times.
As I write this I’m listening to Shallow by Lady Ga Ga and Bradley Cooper, couldn’t have had a better song in the background. Honestly surprised I’m not bawling my eyes out like I did last night and off and on today. Anywho back to the point of this blog, this side effect of being me, is me being this emotional wreck at times.
I put so much effort, love, be an honest safe place and cherish into all my relationships I develop because that’s just who I am. I’ve been broken down plenty of times doing this but here I am still doing it because I believe it moves mountains. It also creates avalanches in my mind/emotional energy because I am invested, and sometimes I feel that some aren’t. Which is fine because we are all different, I understand that but it’s just so nice to feel all of the above from someone else in life. This has nothing to do with expectations because I’ve fought and concurred that demon, so I don’t expect anything from anyone. Some days I just wish people would be me for a day for me. Like I'd be my own best friend but it would be physically someone else. Sounds crazy but I can be.
Going back to being a safe place and spreading love, caring about the little things. Sometimes it seems like it doesn’t matter because people have built such a barrier that it never really sinks in. Doesn’t matter the amount of action shown, at times I feel empty. Now this has nothing to do with anyone because this is my demon that wants to take control, my mind wants to come up with so many scenarios and not the good kind. When realistically it’s just who the person is, they are battling their own battles and I need to find a way to accept that, that it has nothing to do with me or against me. & this will never stop me from ever doing what I do and being who I am because I absolutely love this human heart, even if it's a sensitive sally.
I would never try to mess or hurt someone’s life up EVER, but people have been so damaged in the past that it’s like a forcefield to get by. People get stuck in the past of well this person did this to me and so forth and miss chances to develop something great. I just want to enjoy your company, be with you, laugh, love, grow, learn and have all them little things with the ones closest in my life. I think that’s the hardest part because one has different views than others so it may come across as too much on my side or too little on their side. It’s honestly such a mind fuck and I know this, that’s how powerful the mind is. Sometime I just hurt inside because I all I want to do is be a part of someone's life deeper than many are even ever really wanting to go or can go. I'm not superficial, I am a real sensitive being that just cares for every god damn soul out there, even more for the ones closest to me. I know the people around me care and love me but sometimes my mind just hits a dark path of why not me or why not choose me. It's not necessarily a dark path because it makes me dive into myself, my soul and heart and I get to learn more about how I handle things that come into my life.
& that't the thing with our minds, they just try and plant our thoughts into negative ones because that's how I use to thrive, and many of us thrive on that stuff even though we know it does us no good. As much as my mind is telling me all the reasons why I feel this way because of another person or instance, it isn't ever true. This is the ultimate wrecker when it comes to relationships, friendships, families and so forth because we just jump the gun and you honestly can't ever take anything back.
In the end I think this is all good because I can reevaluate myself, see the human that I am and make adjustments if needed. I use to think that if I was weak or cried or had emotion that something was wrong with me, when really its just a part of life, part of growth, part of my huge heart and soul. It's acceptable to not be okay, just follow through with things that can get you back up again. Any who thank you for listening, maybe you can relate or not, if anything I'm always here if you want to talk too or I can just listen.
Stay balanced my friends,
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